History is such a tough thing to deal with. If we hold it too closely, we can never grow. If we don't revere it, we are, as they say, likely to repeat it.

Today, and over the past few weeks, I am dealing with a particularly difficult and painful part of my personal history. It is something I cannot avoid due to frequent reminders. And it is certainly something I don't want to repeat. So that leaves me in a funk.

I want to grow. I want to mature. I want to simultaneously learn and forget. Is that an option? Should it be? Is this the cross we must carry in order to be disciples? If so, I have a long way to go. Because most of the time, I just want to drop the cross and run away from it. If I am being honest (which I guess I am), I want to drop all my crosses, all the history that weighs me down.

And I know there's forgiveness and grace and mercy. But it doesn't seem to be a license to take those blessings and run. So here I sit, in the midst of my history, wanting to move forward, knowing I have to bring it with me.