Today, and over the past few weeks, I am dealing with a particularly difficult and painful part of my personal history. It is something I cannot avoid due to frequent reminders. And it is certainly something I don't want to repeat. So that leaves me in a funk.
I want to grow. I want to mature. I want to simultaneously learn and forget. Is that an option? Should it be? Is this the cross we must carry in order to be disciples? If so, I have a long way to go. Because most of the time, I just want to drop the cross and run away from it. If I am being honest (which I guess I am), I want to drop all my crosses, all the history that weighs me down.
And I know there's forgiveness and grace and mercy. But it doesn't seem to be a license to take those blessings and run. So here I sit, in the midst of my history, wanting to move forward, knowing I have to bring it with me.