Friday, February 22, 2008

I am Robot

I am having a conversation with nawinkler as I write this. He is sitting a couple of rows down in a virtually empty and quiet student lounge. But we choose to communicate basically in binary through a complex series of routers and servers hundreds or even thousands of miles away. He says it is like "the time-honored tradition of passing notes." I never passed notes, except to Jill Moeller in 5th grade a couple of times. I preferred to talk in class. My teachers did not prefer that. He did bring up the funny prank of "ghost-writing" notes in hopes they would get picked up and read aloud to the class. He is a funny guy. And so are you. Don't let anyone tell you different. If you care, below I am posting our conversation from last night - without his permission. Is it funny? I have no idea. I thought so.

Nathan: you have an exoskeleton?
me: no, hillary does
and it is sagging
so is mccain's for that matter
and yours
Nathan: I have one but you donme: correct, robot garbage
Nathan: why don't you have one?
me: because i am not indo-steel-scum
Nathan: When did I get an exoskeleton?
me: when you were manufactured, i suppose, r2jerk2
Nathan: I'm pretty sure I'm flesh and blood and skin and bones
with just enough muscles to keep upright
me: that's what you were programmed to believe
Nathan: What about being sick? Robots don't get sick.me: you have never been sick. just in need of a tune up
you bucket of bolts, you Nathan: What about being depressed? Do robots get depressed?
me: i would if i was a lifeless ventriloquist's dummy
Nathan: Clinton, McCain, and I are robots. What about Obama?
me: no way, man.
that dude is flesh and blood and blood
Nathan: What about Ron Paul?
What about Ron Paul?
me: he's part robot, like the million dollar man
Nathan: cyborg, then?
me: not really. you are kinda cyborg b/c of your "flesh" exo
Nathan: what about Kucinich?
me: alien
Nathan: I suppose there is a massive conspiracy to make everyone think they're human. Or at least make me think everyone's human?
me: yeah, it's just your chip. the humans, all of us, know. we just don't let on. i hope you don't have a total failure because of this new intel
Nathan: I think I'm okay. I'll just be like, "well, they're probably not human. who cares?" when I'm a jerk to people.
me: you'll be right approximately 32% of the time
Nathan: Is this assuming I'm a jerk to people randomly, or to only those people who have demonstrated they don't care about my feelings?
me: oh, if they don't demonstrate, they are always humans.
you slags are programmed to not by rude to other "humans"
Nathan: okay. I'll be like, "Oh well--they're human--who cares?"
me: if your programming allows
Nathan: Did you see that episode of futurama where Fry was convinced he was a robot?
me: no, we humans don't find that show entertaining
do you?
Nathan: I both find it entertaining and remember that episode
me: gross
and obviously you remember it

did your battery die?
Nathan: no. why?
me: just got quiet
i am witty right now, you tin-damned-can
Nathan: you were going on quite a rant. I didn't want to interrupt.
me: you skin covered candy machine you soft-shelled hard-headed heartless brainiac
you pre-programmed shim-shamming sleepless slag
you lifeless, liverless (did you know that you didn't have a liver)
as i was saying
Nathan: I can't say I'm suprised
me: you lifeless liverless skadumptydump
it does explain your low tolerence
tolerance?
which is it, c3peepehead?
Nathan: Am I a spellcheck robot?
Low tolerance for what?
me: all of you are
for alcohol, keep up, rosie the jetson maid
What ya got Johnny 5?
Did you leave? are you having some shots of oil with Tom Servo?
Nathan: Did you leave the Obama support group on facebook?
me: and Crow?
yeah. i was trying to find a more official one
he still has my support
i will not let another robot run this country
Nathan: you're just one voice among 300 million+
me: that is where you are wrong. i control the votes of approximately 32% of voting age american "citizens"
Nathan: what percentage of that percentage is registered? And how are they spread out compared to the electoral college? me: almost all. which makes it a majority of registered voters.
Nathan: Has Obama locked up the nomination yet?
me: all i can say about electoral college is that there are 5 registered robots in Wymoing and none in New Hampshire
Nathan: why do you refer to your exoskeleton in your status if you don't have one?
me: it is as if hillary is talking. your witchip needs an update
Nathan: does Obama have the nomination locked up yet?
me: no
but he will after march 2
there is no way hillary wins either tx or ohio
Nathan: If you control so many votes, how come he doesn't have it yet?
me: dude, i have control. i don't always shose to use it.
chose
it's like free will
but not absolute
Nathan: when it's something this important, why do you leave free will? me: for fun
but i will not allow the florida or michigan primaries to count
and i prefer to call the "superdelegates"- "break glass in case of emergency" delegates
Nathan: but with your control, what could possibly be an emergency?
me: if i forget or somethin
programming robots isn't my only hobby
i am trying to get a law degree after all
oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, ****** is a robot.
thus the A Nathan: any other professors?
me: I'd rather not say. But we have at least two right now.
and have had two others
Bates is certainly NOT a robot
again, alien
Nathan: okay, well spread the wealth with those A's please
me: robots are programmed to keep robots down.
i can't override that
it is part of my plan
Nathan: Did you get the tax worksheet done?
me: huh?
No
have to go be a neglegent doctor now.
I hope to not be back.

2 comments:

The Cachinnator said...

My brain hurts now.

Jerk.

CeeCee said...

poor nathan-no-talk. i just figured out why he doesn't talk.